Don't let me Cry Just let me Die
by Oxoxhi
Summary: Beck has to move away, leaving Jade alone with her abusive father and a knife. After cutting for years and stopping eating, her life is just crashing down. Read to figure out what all happens to Jade.  Story is a lot better! sorry!
1. He is leaving

**Hey guys! So for those of you who read my other stories and wondering why AGAIN it is taking me so long to update, it is because my internet has been down and I have been grounded. Sorry for my upload length. AND I don't really remember where I left off with my other stories because they were deleted off my old computer, but I have a new laptop! WOO! But again, I will update as soon as my internet comes back on for the other stories, until then here is this new stories I wrote because I was bored and had nothing better to do while my internet is down! :)**

**Sierra**

_**This story is a Victorious story. Beck and Jade are the main characters!**_

_**The main points of the story (so you know if you are interested in these kind of stories) are:**_

_**Cutting**_

_**Hurt/comfort **_

_**Broken Heart**_

_**Eating Disorder**_

_**Seriously guys, I don't know how into detail I will get, but this is the things in my life that I do/did, and if you guys don't like these types of stories, please don't read! I really wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings! D:**_

_**Sorry for the long intro!**_

**Jade's POV**

I watched him come closer to me. My heart felt warm.

Unusual.

"Beck." I whispered into his ears.

"Jade." He whispered back into mine. His dark hair fell over his face as he looked down at his hands.

Something was wrong.

"Jade, I have to tell you something." His face is always so hard to read. Is this good? Or is this bad? Because I had the strongest feeling this wouldn't turn out well.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked. My face grew worried. My heart beat faster. Was this the end?

"Jade, I have to move. I am leaving 'Hollywood Arts' to go live in Chicago."

My eyes grew red. Tears slid down my face like an open slope.

"What? You are leaving? You are leaving me?" He avoided my eyes as I asked. I saw a rim of water build up in his eyes.

He wasn't the emotional type, ever.

We were just sitting in the RV. I thought I loved him. Now I will never really know.

"Jade, look. It's for the best. My family is all moving out there. I don't have anywhere to put my RV and plus it's my family. I have to be with them. You understand. Don't you?" I felt anger build up inside of myself. I felt all of the pain sit in my stomach.

"No beck! I don't understand! I am your girlfriend! You are just going to up and leave me!" I yelled at him. I did understand. Family is family. But I was so angry I was loosing the only person left in my life.

"Jade. You used to be my girlfriend." He responded harshly.

"Beck. No. Please. We can make it work. Long distance, anything! I don't care. I will come with you! Beck, please don't do this." I cried brushing the black makeup from my face. Trying to push myself to him, but he held me back.

"Jade, I am sorry." he made his way to his door and opened it. "I think it is time for you to go." I held my upcoming tears and ran out the door.

I made my way home. My ugly home. With ugly people living inside. Ugly souls they are.

Am I really unable to be loved?

My dad. He hates me. Now Beck. Everyone. Everyone is leaving me!

I run into the back of my house and climb into my window of my bedroom. I quietly turn on my dim lamp in the far corner of my room. I look into the mirror. But the thing that shows is a monster. Scary, horrible looking thing staring at me. Complete horror grew on both mine, and the monsters face.

I hear it. I hear the loud thumps of footsteps coming up the stairs.

"No." I whisper to myself. "Please not right now." I again whisper to myself, while pressing myself against the wall waiting for my door to fly open and the monster to walk in. The monster was about 6'2, thin, but strong. He is able to take down anything, with one swing. I would know. I can feel each step vibrate on the ground.

_**Thump, thump, thump.**_

Pressing my self to the floor, my knees to my chest I wanted to hide. I wanted to die. My door flings open, and he shows himself. Though I can't see his face because of the faint shadows. But there is no way to mistake anyone else. The monster is my father. He was standing at my door ready to hurt me. I was out for to long. I shouldn't have left. I just figured with all of the beers going into his body he wouldn't be awake for long, and wouldn't be waking up anytime soon. But I guess I was wrong. He always ends up finding out what I do, even if he doesn't. I always get beaten.

I saw his body come towards mine, and with one swift kick to the side of my face, I was out cold.

_**Flashback**_

"_Daddy! Please stop it!" I cried. He plugged the small gun into the wall and attached the white tube. He didn't answer me. "Daddy! What are you doing?" He picked up the gun after a couple of minuets and yanked out my hands. With a handful, not a inch missing, of this really hot glue He stuck both of my hands to the wall, fore feet above where I could reach the ground._

_I was only five. _

"_Daddy!" I cried out. I was chocking on my own tears. I felt his belt hit on my body. My back, my legs. Everywhere. I soon later felt his fist beat against me. Pulling my hair back away from the wall where my hands stayed attached to. They were not coming off anytime soon. I cried for hours after he left me, silently. _

"_Daddy please let me down." I said as he walked by me._

_No words came out of his mouth._

"_Daddy, please love me again." His face just grew angry and his hands became fist again, and continued to beat on me._

"_You are nothing, NOTHING, more then my pain reliever. You got that?" He yelled into my ear._

_**Flashback over**_

I woke up with no one there. The clock read 3:34a.m. on Friday. Today is Becks last day at Hollywood Arts. After today I have nothing to go to school for, or to go home to. So I have nothing. Nothing at all. I got up and walked to my mirror. Again the monster watched me, but this time the monster had half of a bloody face and a black eye. I quickly took out my rags in my dresser drawer and washed the blood off my face. There was a big slit in my head, right above my left eye. Along with my black eye, on the left. But the right side of my face, its normal. Its ugly, and fat. Just like always.

When I got to school, my black regular clothes were covering my body, along with my foundation to cover my face. But no matter how much foundation I put on my eye, it wouldn't cover, and neither would my scar. Nothing would cover. But I tried, for a really long time.

Tori stood at her locker, putting in some books and taking some out. Even though I 'don't like her' I do like her. I think the only reason I don't like her is because I envy her. I envy everything about her. She is skinny, beautiful, good at singing, talented at really everything! Also she is really good at making friends, and I am opposite.

No wonder Beck wanted to get away from me. I just thought when he said that he would be here for me forever, he meant it. But he didn't obviously. I wonder why. Why he told me at last minuet. Did he know all along? Stringing my heart with him till he could make me fall the farthest? I never thought Beck was like that. He doesn't know about my family. About my dad. About what happened to my mom. Nothing. I was going to tell him, when it was time. The timer just never goes off, especially now. There is no time left, yet all the time in the world.

I don't want to loose Beck. I don't want to loose the only good thing that is in my life. I have this school, but I am just the stupid goth girl without Beck. Beck makes me happy. Unlike all the other people in this school. They do, sometimes, but no like how Beck does it. So it doesn't count.

While I was day dreaming, Tori was standing around me with a worried face.

"JADE! Whats wrong!" She screamed quietly. I quickly fell back to earth.

"Oh, Um, nothing. Sorry. Just a little tired." I responded and her reaction was confusing because she was confused about what I was talking about.

"Not that Jade. What happened to your eye? And what is that scar? Jade are you okay?" She asked. Even though she wasn't my 'friend' (so she thought, because I considered her as one) she still cared to ask. No one should care about me.

"Oh, I fell down. Not a big deal." I replied. Little did she know, under this long sleeve black denim shirt, was hand prints bruised into both of my arms, right below the shoulder from where my dad had held me down.

Then I saw him. I saw Beck. He was at his locker, turned around and saw me. Saw my face. His face was worried, and he quickly came to me.

"Jade? What happened to you?" I rolled my eyes at his kindness.

"Why do you care? I'm not your girlfriend anymore Beck!" I yelled at him, when tears started to roll down my face. I ran to the bathroom and threw my bag into the sink and pulled out my knife. My sharp, tiny, pocket knife.

I pulled up my sleeves. My wrist were already covered with scars. Its the only place that I cut. Maybe I should start somewhere else. Like my legs, I heard that people who cut, cut there. Even when I cut, I don't get the satisfaction that I want. I don't get the pain that I want. I mean the pain I get is what I want, but not enough, so I have to do it again, and again, and again, and again, it never ends. I don't know when it will. Honestly, I don't want it to. I want to be able to keep this. Its all I have right now. I need more. I need more pain. I need more to sacrifice. Not just my blood. But what else?

While I was thinking I pushed the knife down at the edge of my wrist and slit across it as fast as I could. Deep. Maybe to deep. But I did it again. The pain was horrid. But I liked it. I watched the blood flow out.

What else is there to offer to the world that I don't deserve.

Then I got it, as the blood was running from my wrist.

Food. I am fat, I can become skinny by not eating! This is perfect! All the fat will just start jumping off of me. It will take a really long time to get all of the fat off of me.

I quickly took out a bandage from my bag and wrapped my arm in it, and ran out of the bathroom. Beck stood outside of the bathroom waiting for me.

"I heard you crying. Whats going on? Is this because I am moving?" He asked while holding onto my arm. Right where I cut too. It hurt. But I liked it. _Squeeze harder Beck! Go ahead!_

"Not everything in my life is about you!" _Yes it is. _I just started to cry inside now.

"I didn't mean it like that Jade. I mean... Why are you crying?" He asked me, still holding on to my arm.

"Again Beck! Why would you care? You're not my boyfriend anymore!" I again, snatching my arm from his hand and starting pacing to my class. But he rushed to me and again held my arm.

"Beck stop! I need to get to class! I will be late!" But then the world went black around me. I just felt my body go numb. I heard nothing, I saw nothing, I felt... nothing. Is this what it feels like to be dead? Because if it is... this is where I want to be.

Dead.

**Beck's POV**

I grabbed Jades wrist to pull her back to me. She must have some sort of covering over her arms, maybe a undershirt, because there was coating between her shirt that touched my hand, and her skin. She kinda flinched every time I would, but its just her being over dramatic.

"Beck Stop! I need to get to class! I will be late!" She yelled at me, her face angry. But that angry face quickly turned blank, and she passed out onto the ground. I don't know what happened, but I quickly called for help. Some random teacher out of a closest classroom came out and helped me bring Jade up to the office while the ambulance rushed to the school.

But I wasn't able to go to the hospital with her, I had to get home so I could leave. So while the nurses wheeled her away on the gurney, I held her hand and I talked to her for one last time.

"I love you Jade. I always will. Stay safe, feel better too. Goodbye Jade." I kissed her on the cheek then they loaded her on to ambulance while I loaded myself into my car and drove to my house.

My family threw bags beyond bags in both their truck, and the storage unit attached to the back of their car, and in my car. I was going to drive on my own, behind them for now. I threw the last of the bags in my back seat. I said goodbye to the house that they lived in, and goodbye to my RV. My parents said they would buy me a new one when we got to Chicago. My parents actually respect my decision with me wanting to live on my own (sorta) so young. "Taking responsibility." is what they say.

I am going to miss Hollywood. Hollywood arts, my friends... Jade. Her smile, her laugh, everything. Even though I will miss her, she wont miss me. Something else is going on in her life right now obviously that she doesn't want me to know about. I should have fought harder to figure out what happened to her! She had a scar on the side of her face and a black eye! She was crying in the bathroom. She actually was always randomly running into the bathroom. I always teased her that she had a small bladder, but maybe she just cried all the time. Highly doubtful, but I don't know really with Jade. She was very specific about what she told me and what she kept to herself.

I don't know.

I just thought that I loved her.

But honestly.. I am not to sure.

**Jade's POV**

_Beck, don't go. Don't go. Don't go._

"DON'T GO!" I flung my head up screaming 'don't go'. I was dreaming about Beck. 3:26p.m. He was gone by now.

What even happened? Where am I? I spotted all of the needles hooked to my arms.

The hospital. Okay, but what happened? I just remember fainting. I looked down.

My arms. My arms were uncovered and had different bandages on it. A young male nurse walked in.

"Jade West?" He asked looking down at a clipboard. I nodded my head.

"Hey. Would you like to explain to me what happened?" He asked curious.

"Um. I don't really remember. I got out of the bathroom an-" He cut me off

"From doing what?" He pulled up a stool and got to the side of my bed.

"Um, that's a little personal, isn't it?" I laughed. Was he asking if I cut myself?

"Jade, did you go to the bathroom? Like actually? Like what you are suppose to do in a bathroom. You k-"

"I get it. Yes I did." I lied. He rolled his eyes secretly and nodded his head.

"Okay. Then what?"

"Okay I got out of the bathroom and my boy... my ex boyfriend asked me what was wrong, I don't know why (again I lied) and then I just fainted. I don't know why I fainted, I just did. I don't remember anything after that."

"Well I can tell you what I think that happened. I might be new to this whole nursing thing, but I have a pretty good idea what is going on here when the facts are right in front of everyone's face. I think you ran to the bathroom after you and your boyfriend/ex boyfriend what ever you want to call him, maybe you guys broke up recently, I don't know that part. BUT, I think you ran to the bathroom upset, pulled out your little pocket knife..." He held up my knife. They went through my purse! "and you cut your wrist open. But I have some questions. Like where did the black eye come from. And why would a young girl, like yourself, want to cut herself? And it obviously wasn't the first time. So Jade... tell me. What is it that makes you cut?" _My family... My dad... Myself. _

"No one." _Damn it. _

"No one? I didn't ask that. But now I know it is someone. Who is it? A friend? Your brother? Do you have a brother? A sister maybe?" _I used to.. before she died. _

"No."

"Then who?" He was interrogating me. He was making me feel uncomfortable. But this is the first person who knew that I cut, other then myself, and he was acting like he was 'trying' to help. That wasn't going to work. And they couldn't put me into a mental hospital without parents consent. And my father would NEVER sign for it. The first thing he would do that I want.

"Why did I pass out?"

"Loss of blood. When you cut your wrist Jade." I rolled my eyes.

"Well I am good to go then, feeling fine. Thanks for the time and the help, but I am going home."

"How? Your mom or dad wouldn't answer any phones."

"How did you get there numbers?"

"Um.." He flipped some papers up on the clipboard. "Beck Oliver." He smiled. "So your ex."

"Bye." I pulled out the IV's stuck into my arm, put on my shoes, grabbed my purse and my knife and started out the door.

"Jade! I don't think you should leave! The doctor hasn't even come to see you yet!"

"That's okay! I am fine! I am going home!" I rushed out of the front doors of the hospital and started to run down the street, pulling out my phone for a cab. But before I could even start dialing I saw Tori standing there with a cab waiting for me to get in.

"Thanks Tori." Great Tori gets to see me cry.

"Jade... I wont tell anyone." I was confused. Did they seriously tell Tori that I was cutting myself? That would be stupid. I don't even think that is allowed. "You know.. that Beck broke up with you."

"Oh! Thanks Tori! I am going to kinda just play it off. I mean, its going to hurt for awhile, but I will get over it. Its not like he was my first love or anything." Then I started crying. "But he was my first love."

Tori hugged me as the cab driver drove to Tori's house.

"Wanna come in for some foreign hot chocolate?" I smiled and chuckled.

"Sure, that sounds nice." We both got out of the cab, I started to turn around and was about to pay for the cab when Tori went ahead and did it.

"Tori I could ha-"

"Don't worry about it." She smiled and opened her front door to expose her large, beautiful house. The perfect house.. unlike mine.

"Sit down where you would like, its a free sitting zone." I laughed. Oh yeah, add funny to that list of things that Tori is perfect at.

Tori ran to the kitchen and started to make the cocoa. I just sat there on the couch 'calm'. Trying so, so hard not to cry. But that didn't last long. Tori walked into the room.

"Jade, you can cry if you want. I really don't mind. I am here to listen if you want me to." I started crying.

But Little did Tori know, I wasn't just crying about Beck. I was crying about my mom... and my dad... everything.

I am crying about my life.

**Thanks everyone for reading my new story! :D I hope that you liked it! Again if you read my other stories the next chapters to all/most of them should be up tonight! **

**Please Review! I hope to get some or else I wont update a bad story D: So tell me if you like it by reviewing! :D**

**Thanks everyone!**

**Sierra**


	2. She saw

**Chapter 2! Sorry guys for the wait, a lot has been going on. I just want to figure my life out, you know? But whatever! I am really bored tonight and don't feel like catching up on my school work, so I got distracted and am going to update stories! Yay! Check out my new one? "Don't forget me when I am gone." Again guys, I am sorry. I can't say it enough, Chapter, after chapter, after chapter, after chapter in all my stories. I suck. I know. **

**Chapter 2:**

**Jades POV**

I was crying about my life. Tori she sat there, she held my hand. While I sobbed she just waited. Waited for me to be ready.

I couldn't tell her anything. I never could. I never can. I can never tell anyone anything. The only thing that I can tell her about, is how I am feeling about Beck. I don't want to though. I just want someone to comfort me right now. I don't want to go home anymore, and I know that I am going to have to. I know that nothing is going to go right when I get back tonight.

"Talk to me Jade." She said to me, squeezing my hand a little tighter.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked. I kept my head in my hands, while my elbows relaxed on my knees.

"Tell me what is on your arms..." I froze. I just lifted my eyes, the arm my head rested on, my shirt fell down, revealing my wrist. **God please no.** I quickly pulled me sleeve down and jumped up, heading to the door.

"Jade! I wont tell. I just want you to be okay. I swear, I wont tell anyone." She rushed to me. "I just don't want to see my friend hurt."

"Your friend?" She nodded, her fluffy brown her bouncing with her head motions. I hugged her, crying into her shoulder.

"You don't understand Tori. Nothing is going right." I said between sobbing.

"You mean about Beck?" She asked.

**No...**

"Yeah." I said, lying.

"Is that why you cut your wrist?" **No... he isn't. He was this time, but never any of the other times. Never.**

"Yes. It was a one time thing. It was stupid! I will never do it again!" I didn't want her to tell the school, they will send me off again. Now that the hospital is on my case, they will tell the school. But if no one can convince my dad to get rid of me, then I wont go anywhere.

My dad wouldn't want me anywhere anyways.

If I am gone, he has no where to put his fist.

He has no where to put his pain and anger.

After awhile of us sitting there talking about Beck and mine relationship, I told her I had to get home. So I picked up my things, called a cab, and went back to hell.

I didn't even bother to go around the house to my window. My dad would be passed out on the couch, or he would be out. There really isn't any reason to hide right now. I opened the door, and he sat, right there, in the middle of my living room.

"Jade!" I heard him yell, the pain started then, even without him starting the beating yet.

"The hospital called the police! Cutting? Why did you go to the hospital for that? You know I had to lie to them! I had to tell them that it was just stress about loosing your mother and that you are okay! That nothing was going on! That I would take care of you?" I closed the door and dropped my purse. He just sat in the chair. I don't think he is drunk.

"I am going to tell you something right now, you are going to be lucky to live through the night." And with that he got up and walked into the kitchen. I heard a drawer open. I could see the reflection of him through the glass of a picture. A knife sat in his hands. My eyes grew wide, my heart raced when I saw that. I ran up the stairs, quickly. I ran down the upstairs hall into my room.  
>"I have no lock, no lock..." I whispered to myself, searching my room for something to block my door with. <strong>Dresser. <strong> I quickly ran behind my dresser and pushed with all my might to get it in front of the door.

**Just a few feet... I can do it. You can do it Jade.**

I felt the dresser move, closer and closer to the door. My dad wasn't even coming up the stairs. Yet. My dresser hit the door, I fell to the ground in tears.

**This can't happen. Please... Don't let this happen.**

**Hey guys! Sorry for the really long wait for the update, I know I have said this! Please forgive me! :( Everything is happening at once and I just want a fresh start. **

**But I am going to continue the stories! Read my others? They are all kinda like this, of course not JUST like this, but they are about sad stuff. If you haven't noticed I like sad stories. **

**God Bless!**

**Sierra~~**


	3. Cut me

**Hey guys! I updated so soon! Yay! Lol. Again, this story is a little hard for me to right, I just hope that you understand. I love you guys, all of you, so much for all the support I am getting right now. I just really appreciate everything that you guys are doing to make sure that I am okay. There was this one girl who PM me and told me that she went through it, but that she is getting better, and that she hopes I do to. I like that, it shows that people can relate to my "issues" I guess. Again thank you all! **

_**Jades POV**_

I just wanted to get out of here... and I knew that I couldn't. I could feel the pain already, the pain of such discomfort before anything even happened. I don't think he was even coming up the stairs yet.

Where was he?

What was he doing?

I wondered so many things about my father. He did a lot of messed up, weird things when it came to the pain he causes me, but usually when he is ready, he will be up here with in seconds. I don't know what is keeping him. A part of me wanted him to stay down there, take his time. But a huge part of me wanted him to just get it over with. There is a lot of things that I am scared of...

You can put my dad on the top of that list.

I don't show that I am scared of things... because I don't want to seem weak, I don't want to seem hopeless. Even more hopeless, that is.

I didn't hear anything from down stairs, I didn't hear anyone coming up the stairs, I didn't hear anything upstairs either. I think that I am okay, for awhile.

"Dad?" I called. Slowly coming up from the ground.

No response. I moved back, away from my door. Then claws, it sounded like, hit the door, over and over again. Then a loud bang. Something was breaking through my door. I quickly ran for the window, grabbing my purse on the way, pushed it open, and climbed down from the side of the house. I ran as fast as I could, heading no where, heading anywhere. I would go to Tori's backyard, not in her house, I would just wait in her backyard till morning, then go to school with her. I hope that she doesn't get mad, I will just say I got locked out of my house or something and I didn't want to get mugged in the middle of the night.

But during that cold night, while I sat in the middle of her yard, I opened my purse, and took out my knife.

I relaxed it on when side of my wrist.

"This is for being a horrible friend." I quickly slit my wrist as I said that.

"This one is for never being good enough." Another cut.

"This is for being a horrible daughter." Another, deeper, cut.

"This one is for being the reason mom is dead." I held my breath and I cut, again, and again, and again for this one.

Six fresh cuts bled on my wrist.

I have to make my other arm even. I have a weird thing about that. This one is in 6 times of pain, so should my other arm. So again I relaxed the knife on the side of my wrist and began to speak.

"This one is for being stupid." Slice

"This one is for being ugly." Slice

"This one is for being fat." Slice

"This one is for making Beck leave." I again held my breath and I cut 3 times for this reason.

Six cuts on my right arm.

Six cuts on my left arm.

Not enough...

**Thank you guys for reading this Chapter! It wasn't really much... but I tried to make it sorta interesting. **

**R&R?**

**God Bless.**

**Sierra~~**


	4. Dream to nightmare

**Hey guys! :) I have a really good idea (I think so) on a new story for Victorious! :) But, I don't know if I should post it till I get some of these stories finished up.. what do you think? For those of you who read "Her New Life" By me, I want to finish it off and just do a sequel maybe in a while. What do you guys think? Tell me with PM or a Review! Just give me your opinion, please! :) **

**Chapter 4 of Don't Let me Cry just Let me Die.**

**Enjoy!**

**Jades POV**

The blood made my body numb. It was all draining out way to fast. I felt my head go weak. The cuts were covered with blood, you couldn't even see it, not a tad bit. I don't know why I cut so deep on some of them, I just needed pain, and the only way to get that right now that I know of is through my father, or through myself. And I would much rather choose myself to give me pain.

At least I have control of that.

I relaxed my head on the fence, and I closed my eyes.

I started to dream... More like started having a nightmare.

"_I don't know where you are!" I yelled, but not sure to who. _

"_I am over here!" Many, many, voices yelled. I didn't recognize them at all because they all clashed together. _

"_Hello? Who is there?" I spoke, I could control my dream... soon to be a nightmare, I could feel it. I could only control myself, nothing around me. How do I do this? I have never done this before. I have never been able to do this._

"_Hello." They all said, once again._

_Music played in the background. I turned around, looking for anything. It was all black, just a spotlight on me. But there was people, all around me, I could feel them staring at me. Light bounced off something though... in the distance. _

"_What is that?" I whispered to myself, but it came out as a yell. _

"_Go check..." They all said again." I shivered with fright._

"_Who is there? Who are you people?" I yelled. _

"_Shhhh." They hushed me. _

_I couldn't speak._

_Nothing was able to come out, my mouth would move, but my words didn't come out, nothing would. _

_Suddenly they all started screaming, it sounded like nails on a chalk board. That horrible, horrible sound. I noticed that everything was in black and white. Everything. Not that there was much things that could have color, the whole place was black, then there was me. But everything, it was just tinted so weird. _

_I slowly walked towards the object though, putting my fears aside. Telling myself "Its only a dream, nothing can hurt me." But I was afraid that maybe I was wrong, even though I really knew that I wasn't. _

_I finally got to the object, it looked so close, but it was so far away. _

_A knife... A knife was on the ground, with its own spotlight._

_My knife._

_The one that I cut with. _

**(A/E This is really a dream I had, I was terrified!)**

_I am so confused. What is going on?_

"_Jade!" They all yelled, it echoed in my ears. The pain. _

"_Daddy is coming Jade, wait right there."_

"_NO! Keep my 'Daddy' away! Please." _

_No response. I picked up the knife. I held it on my wrist. **Slice.** No pain. None at all. Not even the pity pain that I feel when I am awake, not even the fake pain. Nothing. So I did it again, and again, and again. My arms ended up filled with cuts, no pain shot through me. I felt nothing. So I took the knife, and I put it straight into my stomach. No pain, just a lot of blood... everywhere. _

"_Here I come Jade. Scared?" He was so close, I could hear him whisper that, but when I looked around, I couldn't see him. _

_I stabbed my self again, right next to my other wound in my stomach. _

"_Why isn't there pain?" I asked. I just heard laughter. _

_I felt a hand go down my back. _

_Dad..._

_He reached the bottom of my back and stopped. _

"_Ready?" He asked me. I sobbed, blood rushing out of me, and my heart pounding. But it was so normal. So I let him._

"_Yes sir." He continued running his hand, down to my butt. I closed my eyes, holding my breath, as he turned me around and pushed his hand down my pants. _

_I took the knife... You would think I would have stabbed him, killed him. I took it and I slit my throat. The blood. I could see it go all over him before.._

I woke up.

I had the knife in my hand and my fingers were bleeding.

"Why was I holding the blade in my hand?" It had cut my hand badly. But I didn't care. It was pretty much morning. So I ran to Tori's hose and I washed my arms off. Waiting for my hand to stop bleeding.

But that is when I felt my body go numb, and I fell to the ground.

**Hope you guys liked this chapter, it might be kinda boring, sorry! :( But really! Please tell me about what I talked about WAYY up there! :] Go ahead, you know you want to. **

**Again thank you all for all the support that I am getting! I woke up this morning with 23 messages from people making sure that everything is going okay. **

**You guys really make me stronger.**

**(KELLY CLARKSON JAM OUT) :P**

**R&R**

**God Bless all of you!**

**Sierra~~**


	5. I can't hide it

**Thank you guys, still, I am getting such great support with all of the things going on right now. I really appreciate everything that you guys are doing for me! It really means a lot to know I have people out there for me, even if they might life in so many different parts of the world. It just shows we are all alike. **

**Really guys. I can't thank you enough. By the way, I will be on vacation starting tomorrow, not to sure if I will be able to update! So excited! Pray for us? Slippery roads, blizzard, and a 27 hour drive, without stopping. My parents are going to be really tired! **

**Jades POV**

I woke up, hours later. There wasn't anyone around me. I picked up my phone. 3:27 P.M.

School is almost out! I noticed the message icon at the top of my screen. Going to messages, 6 new messages.

-Jade! Where are you? You are missing the play!- Tori

Oh yeah! I forgot that we had a play today! It doesn't matter, its not like anyone would have noticed me anyways.

-Jade? Where are you? Seriously call me asap- Tori

-Jade! I found a mouse in a pet store today. It was black. Like your hair.- Cat.

My god Cat. Really?

-Hey, Tori wants to know where you are- Andre

-Yo girl! The play is happening. Where are you?- Rex

-Hey... Jade? Um. So I have been hearing that things are not going okay for you. Whats going on... just because we broke up doesn't mean that you can't come to me about things in your life.- Beck.

I read the message over and over again.

Really? He had the guts to text me, after he ripped my heart out and made me feel worthless, like I was nothing.

-Beck, I don't want anything to do with you.- Me.

I sent the text, hesitantly. I didn't know if I really wanted to be so mean to him. I mean he was only trying to help, but I mean, he is also the one who broke my already broken heart. Isn't that pain enough. I don't want to have to go through the pain every time I text him, of not having him.

-Jade, I am only trying to help you.- Beck

-Well I don't need your help Beck, haven't you helped me enough with hurting me?- Me

-I didn't mean to hurt you. I had to leave, long distance never works.- Beck

-You didn't even try.- Jade

-You never gave me the chance to explain.- Beck

-Yeah! Because you kicked me out!- Jade

-Because you were being annoying.- Beck

Tears fell down my face.

-Oh, so I am annoying. Well fine. Okay. Well then we are in agreement, don't ever text me again, I don't want anything to do with you and its obvious you don't want anything to do with me. Have a good life Beck. Goodbye.- Me

A long wait for his text.

I thought maybe he just wasn't going to respond.

-Goodbye Jade.- Beck

So its final. We are no longer talking.

-But, if you ever need anything, even though we are no longer friends, I am still here for you.- Beck

I wanted to text him back so bad.

So I did.

-I don't need your help. You have helped enough.- Me

-Fine.- Beck

I rolled my eyes, full of tears. I threw my phone as far as I could away from me. I pulled my knees to my chest and cried.

I heard Tori talking by her door. So I quickly made sure I was out of sight, so no one would see me till I wanted to be seen.

"I know, I don't know what is going on with her, I wonder why she wasn't at school today." Tori said. Not to sure to who though.

"Not sure, she might of just needed a break from the place where Beck and her were always at." Andre said.

Great. I ran to my house after they were both comfortably in Tori's. I, as usual, climbed up to my window, hopped into my room. I got myself some new clothes, of course black. I don't know why people find it weird that I like to wear all black, but to put a name on me, goth, is dumb. I shouldn't be criticized about what I wear.

I got into the shower when I saw my dad wasn't even home, of course. I got out, putting on my red bra looking at my stomach, so fat. So ugly. My body all together was. I wonder why I deal with it...

I quickly got dressed into my loose clothing slipped on a sweatshirt, my shoes, and redid my makeup, and headed over to Tori's house. I take my phone out of my purse to see I have had 3 missed calls from her, and 5 from Andre. I also got many texts.

-Hey! You are really worrying me! Could you please call me back? Beck said he talked to you today, did that go okay? Why are you not answering ME?- Tori

-Hey, I heard that Beck was talking to you today! What did he say? You can come over if you want if you are really upset, or if you just want to!- Cat

I started to text Cat back, when I decided that maybe that wasn't such a good idea. But I did text Tori to make sure it was okay that I came over.

-Tori, look I know that I haven't been answering anybody today, but I can explain, if you let me come over. I really need to talk to you... and only you...- Me

Yes, I was trying to get Andre out of the house. I was planning on telling her about my cutting. Why I was doing it, more into detail, tell her about my dad. I mean I don't think that I will, but I don't want to Andre to see me cry.

-Okay! Andre just left my house, Trina went out with her... 'friends'... so I am the only one here! Come on over!- Tori

-Okay thanks, Tori! I will be over there in like 5 minuets- Me

I quickly climbed down my house, and ran quickly to my car to get out of here as soon as possible. I was afraid my dad would be here soon, and I wanted to leave before he did.

Luckily I did, I got out of there before my dad got home, if he is even going home tonight. Who knows with him, he might be hooking up with a new girl tonight. He is always bringing new girls home, then throwing them away like they are nothing, like they aren't even people.

I got to Tori's house and knocked on the door. Taking deep breaths so I wouldn't cry. I knew that if I looked at her, I would feel so much pain, and I don't know why. She opened the door, I quickly got passed her and curled myself up on the couch.

"Tori.." I said quietly.

"Whats up? What's wrong?" She asked.

"I know that I have... never been a good person.. I know that I have never been nice to you, or Cat, or Andre, or Robbie, or -" She interrupted me.

"Jade.." Tori spoke, it made me calm and slow down a little.

"And I know, I know I wasn't the best girlfriend... so tell me the truth.. please. Did he not try the long distance, because I wasn't a good enough person for him." She looked down for awhile, like she was really thinking about it... but also like she had a secret that she didn't want to tell me.

"Jade... 3 years ago, before you guys got together. Beck dated this girl Melanie. He said they were extremely in love, well that is what he thought. He said he was young and stupid, and he said if love is what he had to do to get sex... he would. So he really thought he loved this girl because she would sleep with him when ever he wanted, and most of the time, she would just come over because she wanted to."

"What.." I have never heard this before.

"The point is, that he said he would do anything to get it, till he met you. He said as soon as he met you, he wanted you, and not in bed, as a person, for you to be his. Because he really did love you. He really DOES love you. He figured out that she wasn't the girl when she moved away, he figured out without the temporary bliss... they were nothing to each other. I am guessing the reason he ended it before he moved, is because he doesn't want you to loose the feeling, he doesn't want to loose the feeling of what you guys have. Or had. He wants to be able to hold on that feeling, and if when the relationship ended he was happy and in love with you, then he will be able to hold onto the feeling of being in love with you a lot easier if it doesn't get drawn apart because you two are in a long distance relationship." Tori said sincerely. Even though that was a lot to take in, that was good to hear.

"You really thing so."

"Yes.. I really do. But know that I have told you my secret. Tell me yours, why are you still cutting..?"

Long sleeves.. how did she know?

**Thank you for reading this chapter! Sorry it took so long /3**

**Love you guys though!**

**Review?**

**God Bless!**

**Sierra~~**


	6. Hospital is around the corner

**Hey guys :) This is chapter six for "Don't Let Me Cry Just Let Me Die". I hope you guys enjoy it. If you like Victorious FF with Cat and Robbie, you can check out my other story "Cat Can't Come Back". That is, if you'd like! :) I want to, again, thank you all for being so supportive on my trip to recovery. It means a lot to know that I have people out there that don't even know me, that care. It really does make me smile!**

**God Bless**

**Sierra~~**

**Jade's POV**

I looked at her, confused and mad. Mad at myself. How could I be so careless about keeping this hidden? How could I be so careless about this?

"How do you know?" I ask quietly. Looking at her then at my arms, making sure there is no sign that shows I am cutting.

"Well. I didn't. But I kind figured. I kinda figured that you were still." She looks at me with pain in her eyes.

"Look Jade. I don't want you to do this! You know Beck isn't worth this pain." She says.

"Yes he is! If that was the only reason I am cutting. But it isn't." I say, getting angry at her. How could she say that Beck wasn't worth the pain? Of course he is. He is the only one that could keep me safe. He was the only one that understood, even when he didn't know anything that was going on with my father.

"What?" She asks confused.

"Nothing. I have to go." I say, getting up about to leave.

"No! Jade!" Tori says, jumping over the couches, past me and she leans on the front door.

"I am not letting you go." She says.

"Tori. Please just let me le-"

"NO!" She screams, grabbing my hand and leading me to the couch again. I moan, but follow. I didn't really want to leave anyways.

"Jade. You can trust me. Please tell me what is going on." She says sincerely. I don't say anything, just looked blankly at nothing.

"Jade." Tears were building up. I wanted to rip my skin apart. Letting the blood come out, quickly, and harshly.

"Jade?" I began to sob. Breaking down. I throw my hands to my face, catching the tears with the cloth that covered my hands. She hugged me. What a good friend. _Friend.._ Still is weird to think of her as one. When I was finished crying so hard that I couldn't talk, I sat back and I took a few deep breaths.

"Are you going to tell me?" I slowly nodded.

"But you have to promise me, Tori. Promise me that you will not tell anyone! Ever!" I say. "Seriously." I am taking a huge risk. I am taking a huge risk, this could change my life. She could tell the school, then suddenly I am either dead, or being shipped away to some foster care.

"Okay. I promise Jade. I promise." She says looking at me worried. Tears kept running down my face, but I was able to talk in between crying.

"I have been cutting for a while. I.. I um.. I don't know... I don't know why.. but.. my father.. he doesn't love me.." I say. Maybe that was enough.

"What?" She asks confused.

"My father is abusive to me." I say, back to crying into my hands.

"Jade? Are you serious?" She asks, concerned. I just nod me head, still crying.

"Jade! We need to get you out of there." Tori says. I knew this was a mistake.

"NO! You told me that you wouldn't tell anyone about my father! You promised!" She got up. She nodded slowly.

"You're right." She says slowly, sitting back down. "You're right."

I slept over at Tori's house, got ready, and went to school with her. She didn't look me in the eye.

We got to school, I went through my classes, dreading it. Hoping that I could sneak away and let out my pain. Then I got the chance. It was time for lunch. Before Tori, Andre or Cat saw me, I sneaked into the bathroom, and rolling up my sleeves.

"You horrible bitch." I say to myself, cutting over and over again. I felt nauseous and I leaned against the wall and slid down to the ground. Letting the blood flow out.

**Tori's POV**

I skipped lunch, I went to the councilors and told them about Jade. Not about her dad, but that she was cutting. I promised to keep her dad a secret. But not this.

She would be admitted into a hospital and get help. Its the only thing that I could do.

**:O Horrible chapter :( I know! Sorry! But I hope the next one wont be as bad! I love you guys all so much! Review?**

**God Bless!**

**Sierra~~**


	7. This isn't home

**Sorry it has been so long guys. It has been a hard couple of weeks, but that isn't an excuse. I will try my hardest to keep up. Sorry guys!**

**Jade's POV**

I heard the ambulance. I saw all of their faces above me, telling me to hold on, that they would be here soon to help me. They were wrapping my scars, tightly. The world was going blurry. I barley could understand. I felt my body being lifted and before I knew it, I woke up in the same white boring room that I was in only days before.

I fluttered my eyes open, seeing all the people that surrounded me. Tori. Cat. Andre. Robbie. Everyone. Except Beck... I don't think he even cares. Why would he? I'm worthless.

They all quickly jump up, running to my side when they see that I woke up.

"Jade! Oh my god!" Tori says panicky, holding my hand. Andre kept his distance, not looking me in the eye, not saying a word. Cat was standing there with her sad baby look. Trying not to look sad, but failing. Robbie just looked at me scared. They all looked scared.

"Why would you do this...?" Tori asked.

"You know why, Vega." I say, pulling my hand from her grasp and pulling my legs up to my chest.

"Jade, it isn't worth it. You need to get better.." She says fading off.

"That's why..." She pauses, standing up and slowly backing away from the bed. "That's why I told the school that you're hurting yourself..." She looks at me worried. I feel a sudden rage of anger rush through me.

"Why would you do that? Do you know what you have just done? You have ruined my life!" I scream at her and she jumps back scared. Her eyes still locked on mine.

"You can't do this for yourself anymore." She whispers, grabbing her coat and leaving the room.

"She's right.." Andre says. He looks at me, for the first time, worried.

"You're hurting everyone else by doing this. Do you understand that? Or does that not matter to you? Because it should." Andre shoots at me painfully. He walks out of the room, slamming the door. I don't know what I have done so quickly to get everyone so mad at me. They didn't even let me explain.

A few days later I was able to leave. Or so I thought. I was leaving when a whole bunch of nurses stopped me and dragged me to this room. They soon evaluated me, I guess you could say, and locked me up in some crazy house. They had a large sitting area, with rooms all around it. They had a dinning room, with class doors. But it wasn't really glass.. because I guess that is a hazard. I roll my eyes at all of the eyes looking at me.

"What are you here for?" A boy asked me. I ignored him and let the nurse lead me to my room. I walk into the room. White. Of course.

The bed felt like I was sleeping on a rock. I was better off sleeping on the floor. It only had this thin cheap blanket, with a newspaper filled pillow case for a pillow. The bathroom was nice though, but you couldn't lock the door. The dresser was a cheap shelf. In the corner of the room was a desk that was attached to the wall, and a chair that was attached to the floor. You had one pencil, that didn't have an eraser, and it wasn't sharpened.

"So this is your room." The nurse said, putting some clothes on my bed for me.

"Okay." I look at her angrily.

"Now Jade. This is for the best. Make yourself at home. You're gonna be here awhile." She looks at me with a stern look and turns around leaving. I sit on my bed staring at the white wall.

"Jade West?" I hear a voice behind me say. I turn around and there is a tall woman with long black hair standing there.

"Yes." I look at her confused. Why are you bugging me? I want to be alone. I can't believe that Tori would do this to me. I thought she said she wouldn't tell anyone. That it would be our secret.

"Hey Jade. I am Sabrina, I will be your nurse. We have group in three minuets, do you think you're gonna go?" She asks kindly. I didn't want to be mean to her. She seemed so nice and kind. Like she didn't want to tell me what to do, but that it was her job.

"What is group?" I asked confused. She comes over, sitting next to me.

"Group is where all the kids come together and we do different activities. It is strongly recommended. Because if you don't go, you wont recover. Because group is the treatment." She looks at me with pained eyes.

"I don't really want to go." I look away, staring back at the wall.

"Jade.." She hesitates to go on. "Why did you start cutting yourself." She takes my wrist gently, turning them to see all of the scars.

"It's just a habit.. its just the only thing that I am good at." I respond emotionless.

"You don't need it. You might think you're not cared for.. but I have only known you for 10 seconds, and I can tell you I care. I promise you." I felt tears build up in my eyes and slip down my face. I felt her arms wrap around me and hold me tightly.

**Thank you guys for reading!**

**Review?**

**3**

**I love you guys**

**Sierraxx**


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